Phelps v. Norris

This is an old post I did in note format on Facebook. Erica really helped me out, but I'm just using my originals here. They get rolling after the first ten or so. What did Chuck Norris really do for our country anyway?

The Michael Phelps Argument

1. Michael Phelps could walk on water, but he thinks swimming is a better workout.
2. Superdelegates? Michael Phelps has 535 pledged electoral college votes!
   
3. Michael Phelps' tears could win Olympic gold, if Michael Phelps ever cried.


4. After Michael Phelps, Wheaties is now the breafast of silver medalists.
5. By himself, Michael Phelps is the Dream Team.
6. Michael Phelps would have beaten the Patriots last year if the Giants hadn't.


7. A wink from Michael Phelps induces multiple orgasms.


8. Michael Phelps knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout.
9. Pennsylvania thinks no one will notice a city is now called Phelpsidelphia.


10. Michael Phelps has more medals than you have belts.


11. Michael Phelps is the inspiration of Wedding Crashers' Rule 76: No Excuses. Play like a champion!


12. Wall Street buys stock in Michael Phelps.


13. Aquaman will play Michael Phelps in a movie.


14. Michael Phelps is the solution to our dependence on foreign oil.


15. Michael Phelps will swim home and beat everyone else's plane.


16. Michael Phelps wins Olympic events so much he recycles his medals.


17. Michael Phelps is a co-author of the King James Bible.
18. The Dead Sea Scrolls are controversial because of all the allusions made about Michael Phelps being the Supreme Being.
19. Michael Phelps doesn't send thank you notes or birthday cards. He greets people in person.
20. The mandatory age of retirement for Michael Phelps is 900. The same as Yoda.


21. Michael Phelps wouldn't have needed to build an ark because he could swim for 40 days and 40 nights....


22. Central European countries use Michael Phelps' sweat as perfume.


23. Michael Phelps also believes the children are the future, but that he is forever.


24. Michael Phelps invented the comma.
    
25. Spell check is not necessary for Michael Phelps.


26. Michael Phelps once shot a 17 on 18 holes of golf.


27. Michael Phelps knows the true age of Chinese gymnasts and therefore has not bedded them.


28. Michael Phelps would have given peace a chance.


29. Michael Phelps is actually Obama's choice for VP.


30. Michael Phelps also knows how many houses John McCain has - enough to store gold medals seperately.


31. Michael Phelps beat Usain Bolt in a race up four flights of stairs.


32. Michael Phelps laughs at scary movies.


33. Michael Phelps CAN get satisfaction.


34. Michael Phelps could have killed Bill in one movie.


35. If you cut Michael Phelps' IQ in half, changed his sport to ping-pong, and didn't let him have the girl he wanted, you'd have the movie Forrest Gump.
    
36. Michael Phelps other Olympic trainer was Mr. Miyagi.


37. A drop of Michael Phelps' sweat is more potent than seven Red Bulls.


38. Michael Phelps got over a 2400 on his SATs.
39. Joe Biden is now called a "poor man's Michael Phelps" in top Democratic circles.
40. John McCain is three times older than Michael Phelps, but 1/100 as cool.
    
41. I heard in a chatroom today that Radiohead and The Rolling Stones are opening up for Michael Phelps next summer.


42. Michael Phelps has people to tie his shoes for him. They are called Earthlings.


43. Michael Phelps is licensed to practice medicine in Grenada.


44. Michael Phelps' phone has an "I'm feeling lucky" button. It is labeled "Send."


45. A recording of Michael Phelps splashing in the pool would win at least two Grammys.
    

These were created between August 18th and 26th, 2008. There are several Olympic and politcal items that are lacking in punch now.